This is wonderful. I'm hung up on the casual reference to the girl smoking in the bathroom, then rolling the disabled students away when they try to get in, and I'm not sure why. I think it's the first detail where the whole thing started sounding real. The kind of thing someone mentions offhand, not realizing how much it says about their environment.
I don't know--it's weirdly effective and I'm thinking about it a day later.
The troubled marriage between the parents, the dad's professional shortcomings, the weird peripheral eeriness of the circumstances under which the boy died, and how that death seems like the center of the story, and then irrelevant, and then falls back toward the center(ish)--it's not just that these things reflect a dynamic story on their own, what's more remarkable is that they're conveyed to us kinda sideways, by a narrator who seems (like the proximity of her father's current job in relation to the one he actually wants) "mortifyingly close" to understanding what the people around her are going through, but she's not quite mature/experienced enough to fully get it--this is all remarkable. Her sudden flash of anger at feeling like the only person who wants to be alive is heartbreaking in its delivery; the fact that she seems to both love life, and feel heartbroken/betrayed by other people who don't--it's all the more heartbreaking to think this is what'll set her up for becoming one of the latter.
I really hope this is an excerpt from a novel. Not to be lofty but, given its accessibility and nuance, I think it would be a mitzvah--and a gesture of encouragement/respect to younger readers--if this were shelved as YA. I re-read Catcher in the Rye last year (pardon the digression) for the first time in maybe twenty years and, although I fell in LOVE with it as a twelve-year-old for how it captured my own anger at things, at 33 it was devastating to see that Caulfield can FEEL a certain "adult" truth about his situations...but then there comes a moment where he tries to articulate what he's seeing and you realize that he's just not mature enough to get it.
You do the same thing here except better cuz it's funny. Captures innocence through the digressions, the irreverence, the confusion--but also the weird faith in things. Equal attention to different parts of the classroom like it's a living ecosystem. The way the parents come across as distinct people but, as a parental unit, also come across as one thing.
Dude. What a dose of syrup this was over the gridlock traffic in which I read it.
What a brilliant capture of adolescence, with the quick and piercing dialogue, laugh-out-loud humor, original observations, and deep sadness. Savannah's command of language and tone is superb and the pathos of her story exquisitely felt. The images she offers, such as "like a person left to thaw in the microwave" and "my whole stomach ran away," are refreshing and evocative. And her question "Was I the only person in the world who wanted to stay in it?" leaves the reader haunted, curious to know more about the narrator. Congratulations on publishing such a captivating story!
Great story that captures the anxieties and cynicism of youth. I loved the line “if I’m ever selfish enough to procreate.” That line says a lot about the narrator’s dismissive, downbeat outlook and her tendency to see death and decay everywhere she looks. I also enjoyed this line: “Spanish moss hung from every tree and pole and wire, warped and brown, like the city had excavated its drains and tried to choke itself.” This is both physically descriptive, giving us a visual snapshot, and metaphorically resonant, as it tells us something about the narrator’s dark inner life.
Great piece. It is lacking only in the sense that the weirdness of it sounds Florida, but the climate does not. It is impossible (to me) to write about Florida without its awful climate being constantly, intrusively present. When those sensory details are missing I find myself struggling to believe anything is happening in Florida.
This is wonderful. I'm hung up on the casual reference to the girl smoking in the bathroom, then rolling the disabled students away when they try to get in, and I'm not sure why. I think it's the first detail where the whole thing started sounding real. The kind of thing someone mentions offhand, not realizing how much it says about their environment.
I don't know--it's weirdly effective and I'm thinking about it a day later.
The troubled marriage between the parents, the dad's professional shortcomings, the weird peripheral eeriness of the circumstances under which the boy died, and how that death seems like the center of the story, and then irrelevant, and then falls back toward the center(ish)--it's not just that these things reflect a dynamic story on their own, what's more remarkable is that they're conveyed to us kinda sideways, by a narrator who seems (like the proximity of her father's current job in relation to the one he actually wants) "mortifyingly close" to understanding what the people around her are going through, but she's not quite mature/experienced enough to fully get it--this is all remarkable. Her sudden flash of anger at feeling like the only person who wants to be alive is heartbreaking in its delivery; the fact that she seems to both love life, and feel heartbroken/betrayed by other people who don't--it's all the more heartbreaking to think this is what'll set her up for becoming one of the latter.
I really hope this is an excerpt from a novel. Not to be lofty but, given its accessibility and nuance, I think it would be a mitzvah--and a gesture of encouragement/respect to younger readers--if this were shelved as YA. I re-read Catcher in the Rye last year (pardon the digression) for the first time in maybe twenty years and, although I fell in LOVE with it as a twelve-year-old for how it captured my own anger at things, at 33 it was devastating to see that Caulfield can FEEL a certain "adult" truth about his situations...but then there comes a moment where he tries to articulate what he's seeing and you realize that he's just not mature enough to get it.
You do the same thing here except better cuz it's funny. Captures innocence through the digressions, the irreverence, the confusion--but also the weird faith in things. Equal attention to different parts of the classroom like it's a living ecosystem. The way the parents come across as distinct people but, as a parental unit, also come across as one thing.
Dude. What a dose of syrup this was over the gridlock traffic in which I read it.
What a brilliant capture of adolescence, with the quick and piercing dialogue, laugh-out-loud humor, original observations, and deep sadness. Savannah's command of language and tone is superb and the pathos of her story exquisitely felt. The images she offers, such as "like a person left to thaw in the microwave" and "my whole stomach ran away," are refreshing and evocative. And her question "Was I the only person in the world who wanted to stay in it?" leaves the reader haunted, curious to know more about the narrator. Congratulations on publishing such a captivating story!
Great opening, immediately captivating.
Great story that captures the anxieties and cynicism of youth. I loved the line “if I’m ever selfish enough to procreate.” That line says a lot about the narrator’s dismissive, downbeat outlook and her tendency to see death and decay everywhere she looks. I also enjoyed this line: “Spanish moss hung from every tree and pole and wire, warped and brown, like the city had excavated its drains and tried to choke itself.” This is both physically descriptive, giving us a visual snapshot, and metaphorically resonant, as it tells us something about the narrator’s dark inner life.
I loved the flat tone and steady march of this story. Just beautiful.
great story - you really capture this age so convincingly. reminded me of this CK Kane story: https://www.hobartpulp.com/web_features/them-bones
Great piece. It is lacking only in the sense that the weirdness of it sounds Florida, but the climate does not. It is impossible (to me) to write about Florida without its awful climate being constantly, intrusively present. When those sensory details are missing I find myself struggling to believe anything is happening in Florida.
you had me at suicide. :)